The reality that we expected, isn’t. The date and time do not seem to hold worth. The days are long. The time seems endless. I am not sure where I belong, or what is meant to come next.
The world outside of our windows is waking up from its winter slumber, ready to teem with life and colour. The trees are adorned with new buds, the tulips are peeking through the soil. Today, they do not hold the same light. The beauty that I was able to see yesterday is not as easy to discern today. With grief, the world can so easily be shrouded in darkness.
I feel lost. Isolated. I am a new mum, but I do not fit into the traditional sense of this new title I am so proud of. Earlier today, I saw a posting for a local community group where mothers are able to talk about their transition to parenthood. Some people refer to these things as ‘triggers’. For me, it is more like a switch. The light is either on or off. When it is off, it is too dark to turn it on again. I grasp, looking for the switch.
If only I wasn’t so alone. If only I knew where I belonged. Really, my parenthood isn’t too dissimilar to others. The lack of sleep and resulting depletion of energy, the crying that just will not stop and the frustration, the excitement and pride of your new family, the putting your child before yourself and your marriage, the loss of identity and who you once were, the inability to go out or interact with your friends like you used to, the love – the type that only a parent knows. The major difference is unspoken. It is obvious. I am a mother, but let’s be honest – people do not want to hear from mothers whose babies have died. It is implied that I am not welcome.
Life is about choices. The decision to make the most out of what you have. We are trying to live our lives in honour of our son, we really are, but it isn’t always easy. Parenthood is tough work.
At the moment, it feels like life has stopped. I know that I need to make a decision about what comes next, about how I am going to carry on despite my lack of belonging. However, sometimes I just do not feel like it. I simply do not have the energy.
Today, the sun is shining. The trees are reaching up to greet the sky. The birds are chirping merrily as they peck away at the soil, hoping for some nourishment. The river is rushing and the breeze is rustling branches. The delicate work of a spider is glistening outside of the window. I know it is all there. Tomorrow, I hope it is light enough to see it.