Last night we watched the Perseid meteor shower from the bench at Owen’s Garden. Lying on our backs, our gazes fixated upwards, we waited for the light to journey across the starry night sky. It was calming. It was peaceful. It was beautiful.
Lost in the sky, I marvelled at the beauty of the universe, in awe of the magic we were watching unfold above us. I thought of Owen. With each thought and moment appreciated, I know this experience was shared with our son. There is so much we do not understand, but this I have to believe is true.
As I ponder the universe, I cannot help but question the uncertainty of it all. Every day, my thoughts wander from beauty to confusion to fairness. The same thoughts that always lead to the same word. A word that when uttered, forms a perplexing, unanswerable question. A word I will always carry with me. Why.
I am not particularly pious, nor do I belong to any organized faith, but I have always believed in something. When I was pregnant, I was engulfed with what can only be described as a blind faith. I have always assumed that if you were a good person, and did everything as you should, that things would work out for you. I was innocent and naive. I did not know any better, nor did I have reason to believe otherwise. I am now seemingly without faith. I just cannot understand how the world works. How terrible things can happen to good people. There is just so much we do not understand. It isn’t fair. The universe is at once beautiful and complex.
Sometimes you have to stop the thoughts from ruminating. So I did. I stopped the relentless questioning from sending me into darkness. Instead, I watched and appreciated the dance of the meteors as they graced the night sky. I thought of my son. I thought of his friends. I named a star for each of them. As I whispered the names to each star, a tear escaped, set free for lives that have made the world a brighter place.
As I lay there, my focus would stray, yet always return to one star. My light in the dark. My Owen Benjamin.
[photo credit: David McColm, Whistler BC]